John Carter

Justin: John Carter has been around for 100 years, but you probably didn’t know that. You might recognize his slightly more primitive cousin, fellow Burroughs creation Tarzan – Man of the Apes. To say John Carter is the proto-type science fiction hero is a huge understatement. There is no doubt in my mind that Lucas was a fan of this work, as the commonalties are unavoidable. Let’s face it, everything ERB came up with in those books (of which there are many, and the movie borrows from several of them) has become a part of modern science fiction. From light sabers to teleporting to saving the princess to Ancient Aliens, it’s all there. Or should I say, it’s been there for 100 years collecting dust in the Adolescent section of the library. Disney made a smart move modernizing this franchise. I wish they had called it “John Carter of Mars” because the title John Carter makes it sound like it could be about real estate fraud or struggles with impotence. You better believe this movie takes place on Mars. (Editor’s note – Despite being from Earth, “John Carter of Mars” is his official title.) It starts out kind of steam punk western, and then gets extremely space opera. It’s pretty grand to watch, but we skipped the 3D this time. Mistake? Probably. Mars’s low gravity lets John basically own everyone and anything he comes across in almost cartoonish action sequences that are really something to behold. Now, can I give this movie a perfect review? No. Like Watchmen, there is no way to stick with the early 20th century conventions found in the text or deviate from them without angering someone. It’s a catch 22. Keeping Burroughs’s character as the “inheritor of his dead uncle’s manuscripts” as a story vehicle is SO 1912, but I found it charming. It’s sexist as heck, too. Also, who is this guy and why isn’t it James Franco? Chels hated this movie, but she liked his “weird worm dog” sidekick.

Chels: Don't call Bryan Cranston a "weird worm dog" Justin, he'll go all Walter White on your ass. But he wasn't a "weird worm dog" dude, he was a "super space worm dog", c'mon. I had zero knowledge of who John Carter was before seeing this movie. All I knew was that Justin was pumped about, which means it could go either way, and that it was a Disney movie, which since it wasn't animation, meant it would definitely suck. Willem Dafoe lends his voice to this crazy-horned-wanna-be-Na'vi-Mars-alien-tribal-chief, which is cool. But his people have some weird rules, not cool. Oh and they lay eggs, weird. But they are on Mars, so I guess that makes it cool. While there were some pretty cool things, I won't lie - it's mostly just the super cool space worm dog, in my opinion John Carter had some serious flaws that I just couldn't get past. Poor Justin, this always happens to him. He'll drag me to some movie that I know will be horrible, I try to explain to him why this movie will suck. He's an educated man, capable of rationalized decisions right? Wrong. Poor Justin. inevitably there is a moment in each of these movies he forces me to see, where I can turn to him and just stare, not saying a word. The stare says it all. "Are you serious?" "This shit right here?" "This is all your fault." This movies moment can be summed up in just one state, err, word. "VIRGINIA"