Hunger Games: The Movie

Chels: Let's get his out of the way now, I have been obsessed with this book series for months now. And much to Justin's annoyance I have relentlessly been trying to get Justin to read it. But blah blah blah, he hasn't, and will pay dearly for it - but that's another story. So obviously I was one of those people that advance ordered tickets to opening night and for weeks have anxiously been crossing days off my calendar. The Hunger Games depicts a semi-post-apocalyptic dis-utopian society wherein the rich and privileged relish their most sacred yearly televised event of the same name. But in this game you don't win by being the biggest skank, or eating the most cockroaches, or even having the best (worst) voice in all the land. No, in this game you compete for you life, and only your wits or brute strength will save you. All of the 12 Districts of Panem must offer up 1 boy and 1 girl between the ages of 12 and 18 in Tribute to fight to the death inside The Hunger Games. If you have been living under a rock the past few months there is a chance you might not have already absorbed this information, but for the rest of you, I'm going to spare you my in-depth description of the structure and plot line of Hunger Games the novel (that's a whole other review, right Squid?). So, you're either a girl, in which case you more than likely have read Hunger Games (didn't you just love it?), or you're a dude and think it's a chick book and can't get past the first few pages were Katniss describes her cat, Buttered Stuff, uh, Butternuts, wait, wait, I mean BUTTER CUP!! Either way, you should be happy to know that the movie does in fact do a good job of staying true to the book - well, as much as any multi million dollar blockbuster book-to-screen-adaptation can. Jennifer Lawrence does a wonderful job portraying Katniss Everdeen. I've loved her since Winter's Bone and playing young Mystique in the latest X-Men movie didn't hurt either. She is amazing and I can really see her successfully stepping into this characters shoes and carrying her story through all 3 books of the series. Josh Hutcherson gets the job done as Peeta Mellark, but he wouldn't have been my first choice casting wise. I think he has the chops to carry this character where he eventually needs to go, but he's a little too baby-faced and , cough, short , to really make me believe he was born to be Peeta. Gale, ohhh Gale on the other hand, yeeooowzaaa. I could look at Liam Hemsworth alllll daaay, but then I start to hear "IT'S MILEY" and I have to instantly cringe when I realize I'm oogling Miley Cyrus's man candy. Uuugh. Like I said, I love these books. So it was really annoying/obvious when an element completely diverted from what was described in the original. Example: if something is described as GOLD, it obviously should NOT be gun metal grey. If someone is described as being unique with BLUE EYES, don't make them brown - it makes you look stupid. All in all I definitely left satisfied. My hunger had be abated (see what I did there), at least until the next movie. AND MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR!!

Justin: Who’s hungry! I read the first 11% of this book on my phone. I read about three pages and then got dismayed about the interaction with the cat. This scene actually made it into the movie. The scene where Catnip refuses to eat with utensils at the fancy banquet, did not. That’s where I stopped. By then, I knew that this headstrong young huntress was the biggest Mary Sue in the history of early 21st literature. Sorry KStew. Chels booked tickets far, far in advance of the release. I knew I was to witness the spectacle that is The Hunger Games: The Movie the Prequel to the Next Two Movies. Apparently this trilogy is so addictive that people usually get through the first three books by the time they finish sitting down. Our movie going experience, at the wonderful Kabuki Theater, was excellent. Assigned seats in the drinking section, although we didn’t drink for some reason. All the girls had read the books. None of the dudes, straight or gay, had read any of them. We were all in the same boat. My friend Pat and I walked through Japantown and sipped a tall can so all the kids who already knew how this movie ended could speak freely without ruining anything. Gosh, maybe I should talk about this movie. I had a feeling all through this movie that our neo-Appalachian heroine was never in any real danger. “She’s gonna live,” I whispered. “No! You can’t know that, you never read it.” said Chels. Mary Sues don’t die, Chels. Unless it’s The Lovely Bones, and even then they get to dance around with their grandpas in Lisa Frank heaven and peep on their little sisters. Right: Hunger Games. This is a good movie! 2012 has mostly sucked for movies, and this is a bright spot. I thought it was pretty well made, and well paced. It’s a great story, really. Solid B. Love that girl from Winter’s Bone. I thought it was funny how her hunky hunter dudefriend was hiding an Australian accent while she tried to hide her Southern accent. The baker kid is decent. This movie sucks so hard at first. It takes place in a futuristic world where Tim Gunn and Ronald McDonald conquered the fashion industry. Woody is so drunk. SPOILER ALERT: No, Woody does not vomit off of the stage like he does in the book. Of the 11% I read, that was my favorite part and I was looking forward to it. How could they take that part out? Actually, I surmise they took all the good stuff out, as many school marms mumbled, shoving past each other towards the exit when the credits rolled. Chels assures me it makes some smart compromises and represents the book well enough. This film. Like Ben Hur in its multi-colored grandure. Tucci, a masterful highlight for me. Oh my, the blushing embarrassment! Creepy Donald Sutherland President, who has weird smiling eyes when he talks about teens killing each other. I want to get away, I want to get away. Yeah, Lenny Kravitz. That firey dress. And then, she meets a handsome prince and lives in a castle with her million pet pony’s and eats ice cream without getting fat. No, actually she hides in the woods and acts like a little sneak for the whole movie when the rich kids get all Lord of the Flies. Gentlemen, Ladies, there is a lot of really excellent science fiction out there. This film, this trilogy, I hope, will entice a young generation of women away from the tawdry world of vampire fiction and instead into the geeky yet welcoming arms of Heinlein, Asimov and Niven. The universe would be a better place. Anyway, I, for one, would really like to see how Prim faired out there. With a name like Primrose Everdeen she’s got to be a stone cold murderer. Thanks a lot Catnip, now we’ll never know.

John Carter

Justin: John Carter has been around for 100 years, but you probably didn’t know that. You might recognize his slightly more primitive cousin, fellow Burroughs creation Tarzan – Man of the Apes. To say John Carter is the proto-type science fiction hero is a huge understatement. There is no doubt in my mind that Lucas was a fan of this work, as the commonalties are unavoidable. Let’s face it, everything ERB came up with in those books (of which there are many, and the movie borrows from several of them) has become a part of modern science fiction. From light sabers to teleporting to saving the princess to Ancient Aliens, it’s all there. Or should I say, it’s been there for 100 years collecting dust in the Adolescent section of the library. Disney made a smart move modernizing this franchise. I wish they had called it “John Carter of Mars” because the title John Carter makes it sound like it could be about real estate fraud or struggles with impotence. You better believe this movie takes place on Mars. (Editor’s note – Despite being from Earth, “John Carter of Mars” is his official title.) It starts out kind of steam punk western, and then gets extremely space opera. It’s pretty grand to watch, but we skipped the 3D this time. Mistake? Probably. Mars’s low gravity lets John basically own everyone and anything he comes across in almost cartoonish action sequences that are really something to behold. Now, can I give this movie a perfect review? No. Like Watchmen, there is no way to stick with the early 20th century conventions found in the text or deviate from them without angering someone. It’s a catch 22. Keeping Burroughs’s character as the “inheritor of his dead uncle’s manuscripts” as a story vehicle is SO 1912, but I found it charming. It’s sexist as heck, too. Also, who is this guy and why isn’t it James Franco? Chels hated this movie, but she liked his “weird worm dog” sidekick.

Chels: Don't call Bryan Cranston a "weird worm dog" Justin, he'll go all Walter White on your ass. But he wasn't a "weird worm dog" dude, he was a "super space worm dog", c'mon. I had zero knowledge of who John Carter was before seeing this movie. All I knew was that Justin was pumped about, which means it could go either way, and that it was a Disney movie, which since it wasn't animation, meant it would definitely suck. Willem Dafoe lends his voice to this crazy-horned-wanna-be-Na'vi-Mars-alien-tribal-chief, which is cool. But his people have some weird rules, not cool. Oh and they lay eggs, weird. But they are on Mars, so I guess that makes it cool. While there were some pretty cool things, I won't lie - it's mostly just the super cool space worm dog, in my opinion John Carter had some serious flaws that I just couldn't get past. Poor Justin, this always happens to him. He'll drag me to some movie that I know will be horrible, I try to explain to him why this movie will suck. He's an educated man, capable of rationalized decisions right? Wrong. Poor Justin. inevitably there is a moment in each of these movies he forces me to see, where I can turn to him and just stare, not saying a word. The stare says it all. "Are you serious?" "This shit right here?" "This is all your fault." This movies moment can be summed up in just one state, err, word. "VIRGINIA"

Wanderlust

Justin: I grew up watching the State. I love Wet Hot American Summer. So when I heard Relativity Media was producing a spiritual follow-up to WHAS, but set on free-love commune starring Paul Rudd, well, I wanted to dip my balls in it. I think that once you’ve done comedy for as long as David Wain and the other State alumni, you have to keep upping the ante. Maybe comedy is like a drug, and a dose that would kill a first time user is your Tuesday night. This movie is an acid-test. I’m not sure if I passed. This is strong stuff. Wanderlust has an amazing cast. They just keep coming, star after star, from Alan Alda to Jordan Peele. Anyone who has seen Reno 911 or Children’s Hospital will recognize most all of the players. It suffers from a common problem with large ensemble casts: lots of characters, little depth. So much raunch. So much. I enjoyed the hippie commune satire that was going on (grew up in Santa Cruz, remember, so this was familiar territory for me.) It’s peppered with absolutely hilarious scenes from comic actors at the top of their game, like a few local news parodies with the cast of Stella. Wain is the weather guy. I think the idea of tuning in and dropping out is just as cogent today as it was in the Summer of ’69. Free love doesn’t always crack up the way it’s supposed to, however, and our characters find this out the hard way. It’s hard to tell just who this movie is ribbing most: boring suburbanite stiffs, urban corporate wanks or new age hippie baby boomers and their weird friends. It basically says that they all pretty much suck, which leaves the film devoid of any philosophical message. Usually this kind of catharsis stands out in Apatow’s other productions. For me, the most memorable part is probably Rudd’s mirror pep talk to himself. That, and Joe Lo Troglio’s junk.

Chels: Let's just get right to it. This movie sucks. I only slightly feel bad saying that. I'm usually the girl who pulls for that new Jennifer Aniston movie that's coming out, even though I know it's going to suck so freaking bad. For all the movies she makes I keep waiting for another Good Girl or Office Space, but it's just not happening. Oh, and she needs to fire her make up artist - post haste. I ended up really loathing her character at the end of this movie, she's no where near good enough for my Paul. Justin is right about one thing. All the best moments of Wanderlust happen during Paul Rudd's mirror pep talk. Genius, disturbing, but genius. Wait, actually Ken Marino has some pretty great moments too. Marino plays Rudd's uber yuppie douchebag older brother, who's mother clearly did things to him that she did not do to Rudd. There's also a pretty great scene with Marino's tweeny asshole son. My advice would be to skip it, just like most Jennifer Aniston movies.